it is most ironic tt the things i tend to criticise others for vehemently
are those tt i strongly hold against myself; considering tt i strongly advocate
practising what you preach.

Of course, that is only logical.

Even now, i try to express myself but fail
hampered by my unmastery and clumsiness of written language;
the hypocrisy of its structure and methodology.

i am throwing myself against a transparent, acrylic wall. The plastic
warps with the force of my attacks, but bounces back, infinitely resilient.

I am trying to say...
That i am feeling;
that I AM inferior. Almost certainly almost all people feel that way deep inside
but I think im worse, because i try too hard to escape that - which i think, works
to emphasise the condition.

Something has happened these few years, or since i came into NUS,
too late am I now trying to prove something, make something of myself.
Yet I feel already it is too late.
Too late for those early foundations that build achievers thrust into limelight,
too late for academic illustry,
too late for glory and honour.

Reserved for me is mediocrity that i did not mind, or desired as a child, comfortable
in the idea of the transience of the world- I condemned myself then.
Now I hunger for more,
I hunger for success, for fame, for power
those very things that I scoffed at once in greater youth than now,
the very things that i think i know, will only give me contenment
and pleasure no longer than an orgasm.
Things that will probably claim my soul as bid price.

I hear a voice, a sheet of clearness in the dark.
It says u do not have to sell your soul.
You can reject mediocrity without subscribing to the illusiory.
But humility is the condition.
how do i be humble?

i am a greater fool than most.
I must See again.
I must hear again.
i need to live again.
but i am afraid.
i desist. i stop. this is ridiculous says i. another of me decides to shut that voice.

post this first i will....